….The Hot Tub Experience

So there we were. Me and the birthday girl that I had known for years through school and we hung out here and there. Really nice girl, but a little wacky. I can’t put my finger on what it was about her but she always seemed a little, “off”.  As I sat on Jake’s couch next to his roommate, (Jake was vacationing in another country at the time) and she sat on the loveseat,  she casually says to me “You’ve kissed a girl before, right? What’s it like?” Now I can’t remember what exactly we were talking about that inspired her to ask me that. I’ve kissed plenty of girls before and had no problem discussing it. I’ve always been attracted to women. I had never gone further than kissing, but that’s only because I really didn’t know how to initiate anything smoothly and was afraid I’d freak the girl out. All the girls I’ve made out with was all pretty much under the same circumstances…. drunkenness. Which for ME, I’d think that would be the BEST time to take it another step and blame it on the alcohol the next day if the other person had regrets.  It was usually me making some sort of joke like that their boyfriend better watch out for me, or if they were single, I’d say something like we should just ‘totally date each other because I’d do you’ and play it from there.

Anyway, so I told her it’s no different than kissing a man, just a little more sensual and I’d be willing if she was willing. She came over and I kissed her for about a good 30 seconds. I looked over at the roomie and told him to start up the hot tub. All three of us ended up in there and them two started making out and I proceeded to go down on her. All I kept thinking is “Oh my god, is this really happening right now?”As I continued alternating between oral sex and finger foreplay, I don’t know if she really knew how to respond to all this and I tried not to be too pushy because I didn’t want her to flake out.  Obviously since I was the first girl she’s kissed, all of this other stuff was new to her as well. I couldn’t let her know what I wanted in return, because I didn’t wanna fuck it up. I quickly got a little bored and stepped aside. He had a glass shower in the bathroom as well so I showered while watching him fuck my friend. It was pretty hot, but weird how I was so casual about it after I got out the shower. Going into the kitchen to mix myself a drink, do a line and try to process my surroundings. Now looking back, I shoulda been more involved and taken advantage of this opportunity.  But she was kinda dull, and I’d much rather it be a female that can be just as feisty as myself and reciprocate.

The next morning, we went back to her place (just her and I). She lived with her mother, but her mother was also out of town.  Although being hungover, I still thought, hey, maybe this’ll be a second shot at this experience. With her mind more clear, I payed close attention of how she acted to ensure that this didn’t freak her out or ruin our relationship. She asked me to stay with her and go back to sleep.  I stayed, we did kiss  and touch a little bit, but that was it. We ended up falling asleep snuggling with each other.

The next thing I knew, I had myself a Stage 5 Clinger.

Her and I would go out to the club and I’d be talking to my guy friends and she’d get upset and tell them that they better know that I’m going home with her. She started trying to make out with me in front of guys just to get the guys attention. She was constantly up my ass (not literally) with everything and an emotional mess which I had to wean this girl off due to her annoyance.

At least I got to have somewhat of an experience that I was interested in having. It’s funny in a way since the best friend of the guy I had lost my virginity to spread a nasty rumor in high school that we had a threesome, which was not true, and I spent so much time trying to set the story straight, and then years later, it was something that I actually wanted to experience. I never really saw that girl again since she moved to New York with her family. She’s reached out to me on facebook, but that’s it.  As for the roomie, as we discussed the hot tub stuff, I had told him that was the farthest I had gone with a girl, and he had confessed that he had this huge crush on Jake and that they’ve hooked up quite a bit and that it was a huge secret.. Wow. Jake was a dead end road, and I’m pretty sure there was no way I’d end up sandwiched between Jake and the roomie.  From my sexcapade with Jake prior, it wouldn’t have even been worth it……

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….The Other Drugs

Ok ok, so where were we? Oh yeah, I just told you how I found out the guy I was hooking up with was married to my supervisor. Awkward. I didn’t really like her anyway, and I’m pretty sure she was up to her own shenanigans herself. This scenario continued for a little while, and it was that sneaky, playing with fire, thinking “I’m the cats tail” feeling that got me high. At work, I no longer got mad at the crappy work assignments I got handed to me, I took it out on my supervisors husband instead. Eventually that fizzled out, I got tired of it all, especially after I was fired. But that was my own wrong-doing. My late nights made it almost impossible to get to work on time, and if you couldn’t tell, my respect for my job wasn’t too serious. Now that I look back on it, I actually feel bad for partaking in that whole situation. But hey, I was 21, single, and heartbroken…  I realized there were plenty of other men out there, and quite a few wanted a piece of me. Or should I say, meat.  I certainly wasn’t skanky, but I definitely had my fun. With as many guys that I associated with, it was like an addiction to feel that type of “power”. I was untouchable. I couldn’t be hurt, I couldn’t be lied to, I didn’t care. I’d have my fun and toss it aside. I felt safe, and wanted, but disgusted all at the same time. Then there was Victor.

Man.

This was a bittersweet relationship. I purposely left out the part earlier that somewhere within being around the college area, everywhere I turned, someone was snorting a line of cocaine while balancing their beer in their other hand. Bathrooms. Bedrooms. Pinky nails. Countertops. You name it. I had never tried it, until then.  And somewhere along that, I found a way to make an extra dollar. I’m in no way shape or form, fit to spend time in jail. But I didn’t care. I was all around it anyway, and I didn’t judge my so-called friends because they accepted me, so why not??

Anyhow, back to the story. So Victor. Victor was a good looking guy that I’d see around here and there, carried swag better than most, and I was drawn to him. Turned out he also was a dealer. Immediately we had things to talk about and compare notes. Not the best way to get to know someone, for sure, but his timid attitude was so desirable, and it was like in the back of my mind, I felt like we connected because we were both two adults, doing something we shouldn’t be doing, and that there was a better life for us to be living.  The endless nights of playing cards, dominoes, drinking beers, and doing lines. Swapping stories while watching the sun come up, and spending the next day in bed together which the occasional round of sex and chinese food takeout.  We vibed so well together….for about a year.

His best friend was an ass. He was a skirt chaser, and a trouble maker. I couldn’t stand him hanging around this guy.  One night while Victor was sleeping over, he got a phone call from his buddy in the middle of the night who started yelling at him saying that he found out that Victor had been sleeping with the girl HE was sleeping with. I could hear all this because I was laying beside him. Victor didn’t say a word. His buddy proceeded to say “Oh, your girlfriends there? We’ll talk about this later then….” I confronted him as soon as he hung up the phone, and he confessed that he had been sleeping with this other girl. He couldn’t deny it, since I had heard the conversation myself.  I was devastated. Especially that this other girl is so hideous looking it’s not even funny. Trust me on this.

After a while, and after me medicating by hooking up with another guy, I decided to try to give me and Victor another shot. That quickly died out when he hit me across the face because he thought I embarassed him since I asked my friend to see if he could get Victor a job where he worked, since Victor was looking for legal employment. I gave him a job…. to pick up all his shit I threw out the bedroom window.

It wasn’t long after that I was up to my old tricks. I had quit selling drugs, and moved back home, but I was still always ready for friends and bar scene adventures. Feeling lost all over again, I had to make my way back into the world, since I revolved quite a bit around Victor.  But I could never seem to find that feeling of belonging anywhere…

Back on the homefront, my mom had remarried to a guy we’ll call Ken. Ken was awesome at first. He was so much fun, full of life, outgoing, polar opposite from the strict law enforcer she married previously. Once they had gotten engaged, I’m almost positive he grew a set of red horns on his head. This guy spend most of the time at the bar, come home and either start a fight with mom just to have a reason to take off and go back to the bar. The best one was when he said he was going out to pick up rock salt in the Winter, and came home like two days later. Sans rock salt.  And this was no ordinary bar that he frequented. This was the local slumville. Cheap beers and a multitude of pills sold at every other barstool. There’s not a time you couldn’t drive by there and see a toothless degenerate standing outside with a dirty white Hanes t-shirt with their hair all desheveled while smoking a cigarette scheming on someone for spare change. It wasn’t too long after that Ken got addicted to pills, along with booze and cocaine, while my mom was home alone tending house.  The cycle was so icky that I turned the cheek a lot since it was my mothers life, and she was a big girl, and I had my own life that I had to figure out where I needed to be. She had her own crap going on. So of course, I embraced anyone and everyone that allowed me to.

Here I was. Working at a job I loved being at, although I still didn’t feel like I belong there. It was a small office staff, who have already built their ‘work family’ that I couldn’t seem to find my way through the indirect initiation to be part of the cool group that would go out for lunch together. Who had time for that anyway while my mind was being consumed with wondering why my biological father treated his other children so great and I got nothing but disappointment, my ex-stepfather cut off all communication since his new girlfriend thought he shouldn’t have ties since I wasn’t his biological child (which, by the way you’ll take notice from my previous posts that this now makes both dads cast me aside for another woman), my mom who is my best friend was miserable, sad and lonely, my stepdad was a drunk and a drug addict who was barely around unless he was home showering between work and the bar, or going through our belongings to find money to steal, my friendships weren’t solid, I didn’t fit in at my job, and I felt alone and unworthy of being loved properly. And then I met my boss’s nephew who worked there.  We’ll call him Jake…..

If Jake walked up to you and told you he was a model, you’d believe it. This was a very unique experience. This was the first guy that made me blush every single time he walked through the door. I could barely speak without sounding like a jumbling idiot. I’d see his truck pull up and it was like I was a ten year old girl catching a real life glimpse of Justin Bieber. My boss told me that he was single, had a roommate who also worked for the company and that he had his shit together. I’m pretty sure it was obvious to everyone that I was intrigued beforehand. So what was I to do? Become friends with the roommate of course! Long story short, I eventually got invited to a house party they had, and the interior was decorated than any of my girlfriends places….. do you see where I’m going with this????   Well…. one night eventually, I got the phone call asking what I was doing. It must’ve been around midnight so I knew what was going on. But I was so incredibly nervous you woulda thought I was a virgin on prom night. Me and Jake hooked up, which I had psyched myself up daily by visualizing how it would be, that it was totally overrated. We never hooked up again, but me and the roommate stayed friends. Close enough that he let me and one of my female friends use his hot tub on her birthday after plenty of boozing with a side of curiosity……

Stay tuned for part 4…..