….And this is where it all began (Part 1)

So I’m still trying to navigate through this site since I’ve just joined, and I haven’t quite figured it out yet. I don’t know how to find “followers”, I’m not even sure that these posts are going public for people to comment on. All I know is that I wanna write and I want feedback. That’s all. No bells and whistles. No navigating around. Just something simple, like email. I vent to you, you give advice. Can it be that simple??

I actually don’t even know where to start for the hopefully potential followers to be up to speed.  Hmmm, let’s see… I’m a female in my 30’s, I’m pretty sure I’m the only person I know that doesn’t have any kids, I’m changing jobs next week, I just moved in with the boyfriend, my mom’s my best friend and my dad is a jackass. Four years ago,  I dumped and lost the best thing that could have happened to me, and I don’t think I’ve forgiven myself yet, and I’m reminded constantly by the things done/not done by my partners since then… and I struggle with that frequently….      My friends are pretty lame seeing that I constantly put it out there to hang out and do fun stuff to enjoy the Summer, but I’ve consistently being blown off, but good enough to hang out at the bars with. I’ve questioned and shaved off people from my life from time to time, but after a while, when I’m trying to connect with different groups of people or to do different types of things and getting the same result, I start questioning my own self value.  I’ve never been a conceited person by any means, but I’m damn sure that I’m a good person.  I’m smart, I’m self-sufficient, I think I can be an attractive person, I have a fun and adaptable personality, I’m a good listener and always willing to give advice or help a friend. And it’s tough to emotionally struggle because of wanting to love life so much and be treated well and just be happy, and then I see people who are “less deserving” seem to have the world.

So let’s take it back, shall we?

When my mother was pregnant and engaged, my father cheated on her with her best friend. Therefore, my mom ended up a single parent, which I’m grateful for. I’d go see my father every weekend until his wife (not the best friend) had a jealousy issue with me being a child from her husband and my mother, and she thought it was a better idea that I start sleeping over bi-weekly instead. My father, the effin coward, abided by her and put her first. Then proceeded shortly after to start bringing me to my grandmothers and take off to spend time with yet another girl he started banging behind his partners back.  Of course as a child I didn’t know all of this, I didn’t find out the reason of all the “drop-offs” until later, which my dad of course denies.  After him initiating this horrible complex of me feeling so self-negative due to being cast aside for ‘something more worth their time’, i.e. another woman, I decided at about the age of 12 I really didn’t want to spend my bi-weekly time at my grandparents house while my dad banged the mistress, or keeping myself occupied while I actually was with my dad while he slept or did his own thing.

To make matters worse, I can clearly recall asking for things for us to do that he turned down. McDonalds happy meals was about as far as my smile went. There was one time my mother actually gave my dad money telling him to take me to the amusement park that I wanted to go to. My dad wasn’t broke, he was just an ass.  When he got married, he ended up having a handful of kids which got everything they breathed on and more. It was rough watching that because I’ve never been a spoiled brat, and I tried to be ‘the bigger person’ but it still doesn’t take any of the sting away.   All of this resulted in yet a second complex, which I associate that with “Daddy Issues”…..

When I was about 7-ish, mom got married to a man in the law enforcement. It was really nice to have a father figure there, even though I never called him dad. He was incredibly strict though. All of my friends practically had to submit a blood sample in order to coordinate a sleepover, which is awkward, but now understandable.  Forget having boys as friends. He’d have these little condescending ways about him that back then I didn’t know how to handle to avoid it from making me feel inadequate. Things eventually became so mentally crippling that it ignited suicide attempts.

Cutting was the first thing. I don’t think I really wanted to die back then, I just felt stuck and alone, shoved in a corner, and emotionally beaten with no one/where to help. I remember making that phone call to my mom at work telling her that I hated my life, and that I hated how much I wanted my stepdad to be more loving and that the only thing I got was his law-enforcement attitude that he wore 24/7. Of course I only annoyed my mom telling her that while she was at work, but hey, I was about 13 and it was a direct cry for help. I thought expressing feelings when they get that heavy was good, no?

Mom ended up divorcing him when I was 14 after he told her that one of her extra-curricular activities that she picked up to spend more time with me ‘interfered with her home chores’. Then I found out a lot more that I really wish I hadn’t. Apparently he use to tell my mom that he wanted his own flesh and blood child, and that if my mom didn’t have one, then he would cheat on her to get the other woman pregnant to have a child.  This was after my mom had told him she couldn’t have any more kids, but still tried to keep him happy, and ended up pregnant, and then miscarried.  Obviously that was for the best, but it took a toll on me to know that he would do such a thing to my mom, and to our family for his own selfish needs, and of course made me feel not good enough to love. That makes two “fathers” that created these self-hate demons within….

And that’s where the madness began.

I had gotten good grades when I was younger. Always went above an beyond doing extra work, spent my summer filling in extra textbook work that my teachers had just to keep my mind active, and I truly enjoyed it. When all this stuff happened and I hit middle school, acceptance became my priority over everything.  It was like I almost didn’t have any standards or boundaries just so I could get, and keep, people in my life even if they didn’t deserve to be there.  I lost my virginity at 14, which was a nightmarish experience to begin with. A few months later I was raped by a friend that we liked each other, and this happened in one of my friends house, with my friends in the next room.  I started smoking weed, smoking cigarettes, and drinking. My best friends mom was the “cool mom” that would go to the local store and buy our boatload of friends booze and butts and we’d just have a co-ed fun fest all the time. I’m not really regretting all of that because honestly I had a lot of fun, have some great memories and felt the love between myself and friends back then.Plus, majority of teenagers have these experiences. I only regret it because the hurt I had inside didn’t allow me to have a conscience anymore….

Got myself into a relationship when I was 14 with a guy that we can call “Jay”. Jay was my longest relationship of four years, and the absolute worst. He gave me the time and attention I craved. He liked me, and back then that was good enough for me. I ended up pregnant 3 months into the relationship and was convinced by my mother to get an abortion, which I was against, but now feel like it was one of the best decisions of my life. After a year into the relationship, he started becoming mentally and physically abusive. I’m pretty sure I stuck around because I felt the need to prove that I was worthy enough for love and respect and that he’d open his eyes and realize how great of a person I have told myself I was over the years. Things only got worse, and sex equaled my vision of love.  We’d bang like jackrabbits as teenagers do, but then I’d have to worry about being an individual without pissing him off enough to become abusive. Not to mention when it came to other females he was kinda sketchy. I lost pretty much all of my friends because they told me that they can’t stand to look at my bruised face or hear my stories and not be able to do anything. Of course I didn’t have a dad for guidance, and my mom had found herself a new boyfriend that was incredibly awesome that passed all the test of being the potential fill-in daddy but I was so focused on what was going on in my life and trying to prove myself and deal with everything that I didn’t look for help at home. I’d get stoned instead.

And then the suicide attempts began again after a heavy dose of verbal abuse one night, picking on me and making fun of me, and him casting me aside for a girl he claimed was his cousin. I proceeded to take 34 sleeping pills and cut my wrists. Jay called mom and told her, and she broke my door down, caught me, and brought me to the local hospital where they fed me charcoal to absorb the benadryl, and shipped me off to a mental facility for a week of observation. At this time, I was about 16, almost 17, and all I wanted to do was get outta there and go see Jay. I was worried about what he was doing since he knew I was in a facility that I couldn’t leave.  When I got out, he wanted to try to make it work, and now that I look back, maybe I not only wanted to die at the time, but maybe I wanted him to think about how he’d really feel without me and hope that he realized how great I truly was, and to treat me well. I’d given up everything. Friends, family, sports, attention in school, my self-respect. I mean, everything. Jay got physical with me in the hall one day in high school and got expelled, and I ended up transferring out of high school to adult education night courses where he ended up going, because I was afraid of him meeting someone new.  THAT decision actually worked out well for me since it was a smaller class, more direct, and my grades started accelerating. . .

Jay was jealous. He wanted me to stop hanging out with my best friend who happened to be male, who hated Jay. And my best friends girlfriend, wasn’t too fond of our friendship either. One of the breakups me and Jay had, I met up with the best friend, where we both found out at the same time that our partners were sleeping with each other. Karma came around when the girl ended up pregnant. Do you think that stopped me? Nope. I stayed with this guy literally until he got a message on his pager with the hospital phone and room number, and then proceeded to go with him to the hospital the next day. In the girls room and everything….

I’m not sure what happened shortly after that finally kept me away. I think it was just that I had absolutely no energy left to really give a shit…

Phew! Well… there’s three large life-changing pieces that I’ve shared, and there’s more to come to bring up to speed of my current daily life issues. However, I’m due to get up in four hours to go to the bad place (a/k/a work). Stay tuned, and thanks for reading….. 🙂